So many clothes

I really didn't have time to be sitting at my desk writing a blog.  And I actually wrote this three weeks ago.  I must include a disclaimer.  My mother's mental health has declined significantly over the past three weeks.  It could be a UTI - or it could be the results of vascular dementia.  Our family is in a state of trusting God and her physicians and caregivers.  At any rate, these are my words from Sunday, June 2.

My mother's winter clothes are piled on the bed in the guest room; her summer clothes are on my bed.

When we were getting her settled in the skilled nursing center she asked me a question:

"Am I going back to Brookdale?"

Of course, I had to say No - probably not.

And so she surprised me.

"Well, I think you should give away my winter clothes".

I was not impressed with that suggestion.

I told her we would just put them away until she needs them.

After a month of doing other things, it's now the time I've etched out to get all those clothes organized.

I told my children, "It's no wonder everyone compliments her on the way she dresses.  She has so many clothes to choose from".

They wasted no response in their reply

"Who bought them?"

Touche.

As I have been sorting I've had a few special moments.

Our mother loved Autumn.  While she never was a huge Halloween person, she loved the clothes that Bonnie gave her that included jack o lanterns.  She loved Thanksgiving and has sweaters for that Holiday and of course, she loved Christmas - one thing I remembered though was that she was often guilty of taking the decorations down almost before we finished dessert that was a part of our Christmas celebration.

Pine Castle Gala 2006

She loved to "dress".  I remember that she always wanted something called "kolinskies", a fur collar that includes the feet of the slain animal - YUK.  She did have a couple of like fur jackets.  There are lots of jackets in her winter clothes including this one that she had carefully kept in a plastic cover. 

Now I can tell you I know that many have had to go through your mother's things after her passing and that must be so difficult.  I know that I am fortunate to finish this task and then go and visit my mother.

And I know that the best thing I can tell you is that our mother is a great representation of the Provers 31 Woman.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

No, she's not really laughing but she is accepting - that strong faith that she has practiced for many years is the mantra that hangs over her life.

Yes, I can still visit my mother; I can still attend to her needs, although that's very difficult because we can't figure out exactly what her needs are.

So I'd say that my siblings are endeavoring to practice what she's taught us:

"In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path."  Proverbs 3:6

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadows

In the cereal

My sister, Cindy, and I were remembering our mother's wealth of knowledge regarding Scripture verses.

We began with Philippians 3:10 that she often said was her life verse -

 "That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;"

We also shared I Thessalonians 5:18

"In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you".

We remembered the oval-shaped wall hanging that had been a gift from her dear friend Mary when we were San Souci neighbors in the 50's.  We don't know what happened to that plate.

When I called out Romans 8:28, Cindy said: "that was in our cereal".

Her husband, Robert, had been listening to our conversation and asked,

"In your cereal?"

Well no, not really in our cereal but it was something she oft repeated.

"There's always a reason", she would say, following it with God's plan is far greater than ours.

At 96 and a quarter (3/12/23) our mother still believes what she lived and taught.

A group of friends recently shared a few hours with her - Ron Allen and John Nill led us in some singing and there was one song mother wanted to sing - that we didn't know.   Ron's wife, Bonnie who is my lifelong friend and I could remember a little of it but not the whole song.

Not to be undone, I recently Googled the first line and I understood why this song is one my mother wanted to sing

Every promise, in the book, is mine

  Every chapter, every verse, every line. 

All are blessings, of his love, divine
Every promise, in the book, is mine

Of course, that's what my mother wanted to sing...That's what she believes -- 

Every promise in the book!

Now for a disclaimer.  You might have noticed that I can't seem to stop writing about my mother.  You might think I think she is about to pass.  Only the Lord knows when that will happen.  What I do know is that one way I process things is through words - and one never knows - perhaps the words I put on your computer screen will help you process something.  I can tell you that all four of my mother's children, her 11 grandchildren, 17 great grands, 5 Steps and all of those wonderful people who have married into our family know and understand the value of what we learned from our childhood.

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadows

Glad not Sad

So I asked my mother -

"Do you know where you are?"

Yes

"Do you know what it is?"

A skilled nursing center

"And why are you here?"

Because I need more care than they could offer at Brookdale Mandarin

"And do you know how sad it made me to bring you here?"

No - you should be GLAD not SAD.

You should be relieved that I am getting good care.

And just like that my mother proved what I have always thought to be true.

She really knows how to adapt to her circumstances.  She is still a wonderful example of the verse she has long practiced.

"In everything give thanks" (I Thessalonians 5:18

So I am going to accept her words.  She's right...I should be glad and I am.  

Accepting it, however, does not take away our responsibility to oversee her care.  It is our intent to visit and ensure that the care she is receiving is as good a possible  Nor does it negate my disappointment that she is no longer in a beautiful apartment with lovely furniture or our desire to someday have her in a facility on the river!  We can trust the same Lord she has loved and served with those dreams!

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadows

She was a good daughter

I used to say "I'll never be as good a mother as mine is - and I'm a good mother".

On this Mother's Day, I have been reminded that she was a good daughter.

Our mother is the eldest daughter of Iva Pauline Mercer and Ellie Wallace Nesmith.  She was born less than two years after her brother, Ellie Rudolph and in two years succession before Thelma, Carolyn and Ann.  Eight years after Ann, their youngest sister Beth was born.

From what I've read and observed, the family was always very close. Sadly they lost their sister, Thelma in 2011, but the four remaining sisters all live in Northeast Florida and they still stay in touch, love to visit with each other and keep up with their nieces and nephews.

Granddaddy Nesmith's birthday was May 12.  That being the case, when I was a child we often celebrated his birthday on Mother's Day.  In 1971, Grandma was very ill.  They had celebrated their 50th anniversary on January 1.  It was a wonderful time in our family,  However, the illness that had wracked her body for many years had taken a toll. Just 8 days later, grandma would go from "here to there" which was granddaddy's favorite expression of the time when a person left this world for Heaven.

But grandma didn't forget that it was his birthday. After her death, he told my children's dad that grandma had made sure he had a present.

I relayed that story to my aunts recently and I got this response from Aunt Ann.

"I smiled as I can imagine her turning to Iva Louise and telling her to go get a gift! She was to "go to" person for Mama for many years and I really appreciate all she did for Mama"

I remember that too.  My mother was always doing something for grandma.  We even moved there in 1959 to help when she had to be in bed for six hours each day. And she did things for our daddy's mother, and his brother and his aunt and the list could go on and on.

In reality - she has been a wonderful caregiver - 

And now, of course, the tables are turned.  It's Iva Lou who needs to be cared for. I'm not really sure why it is that I am her caregiver.  The eldest? the available? The "called to be a caregiver" because helps is first on my list when I take a spiritual gifts tests. 

It doesn't matter why it is.  What's important is that it is.

My mother was a wonderful daughter -- and caregiver and that made her an excellent role model for all of us!

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadows

 

She didn't teach us

A person's first teacher is their mother.

Our mother taught us many things.

You know, the regular things - be kind, wash your hands, brush your teeth - "yes ma'am, no ma'am, thank you ma'am, please".

And the more specific things - how to cook, clean, sew, garden.  Actually, my sister, Cindy learned to cook, clean, sew; Jonathan can cook and garden.  

And the most important things - loving our daddy and others - and following this simple rule of a Christian -- "Man's chief end is to love God and enjoy him forever" (from the Presbyterian catechism).  

As I thought about what Iva Louise Nesmith Huffingham taught us, I wondered what others had learned from their mothers, so I posted a question on Facebook.

There were fun answers.  "She taught me to braid pine needles when I was bored"; "she taught me to whistle when I was working" and "she taught me to balance a checkbook".  One friend responded to that answer with "my mother tried but it didn't work".

There were dear answers. "She's why I became a nurse.  I watched her use her skill with my grandparents and knew I wanted to do that too".  

Answers were the regular ones - to make bread; entertain (both formally and informally just make your guests feel comfortable) kindness, generosity, love of family, cleanliness (always wear clean underwear); tell the truth, to be independent (one person was so proud of her mom who raised five children as a single mother); take care of yourself - do not depend on others to do that for you.

And they were more specific - "education is never wasted".  "the difference in a rut and a grave is that a rut has openings on either side and a grave doesn't" and one I really appreciated:

"A crisis or obstacle isn't the end of something; it's a chance to evaluate and do better".

I asked my own children what they think I taught them - Hospitality; to stay up all night to finish a school assignment and to always go to their "events".  I am proud to tell you that Renee loves to entertain; Becca is always completing a project with one of her children and Tray never misses a game or performance.

Oh, and what did our mother NOT teach us?  I don't think she taught us to leave her in a nursing facility.

At least I didn't and I said this to my friend Karen who responded with these words:

"Yes, she did, she prepared you to trust that God puts people in our lives to prepare us and to support us for whatever comes next in our lives. This is just an extension of your faith.”

Yep – She did teach us that.  And the four of us are ever grateful!

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciated the Shadows

Loving her to contentment

It's time for a change.

That's okay.  Our mother likes change.

As it happens mother needs more care than the Assisted Living Facility where she's been for almost four years can handle.  They are an ALF - not a nursing facility.

We have talked with social workers, nurses, and various counselors.

We know it's time for her to move.

I think back to those days of my childhood when our parents took us to see family members or friends in an "old folks home".  Sometimes it was called a "rest home". I especially remember a place out on Atlantic Blvd.

I can usually paint an unpleasant picture and make it look nicer than how it is actually seen.

That's not so easy now that it's time for our mother to be "there".

Oh, they may have a different name.  It's now skilled nursing or long term care.  But the bottom line is this: it's a nursing home!

So, can I paint a prettier picture?

Well, in the words of one of our nurses:  "you are going to be loving your mom to contentment"

Hum

For several weeks mother has been telling me that she is really endeavoring to be content no matter the circumstances (Philippians 4:12 - NIV).

So - with her request in mind, my siblings and our children are going to make every effort to help her be content.  We are going to love her into the next stage.  We are prayerfully hopeful that the care she receives will be good.  My guess is that I'll go be sure of that every day.

More to come....(aka the name of facility; address, etc).

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciated the Shadows

A Season of Caregiving

Today is my mother's 96th birthday.

My parents moved in with me in 2005 as daddy's health was failing and mother feared she would not be able to care for him without support.

That was 14 years ago.  

When daddy went to Heaven in September 2009, mother was still very strong.  She was, of course, aging but did very well.  She took trips to see family in Texas and South Carolina.  She went to her church's Great Banquet (a weekend of renewal).  The two of us traveled to see old friends and my Tampa children on several occasions.

She has spent the past 10 years in a good place.

Yes, she has aged.  She has hearing, vision and mobility issues because of diabetic neuropathy.

In 2015 she moved to Brookdale Mandarin Assisted Living and has been happy there.

We have continued to take her to family gatherings and fun times with friends.

Today she has very poor hearing, limited sight and mobility.  For the most part, however, she has a good attitude.

I have considered it a privilege to be her principal caregiver.  I have wonderful support from my siblings, children and friends.  I am so appreciative of that love, concern, and prayer that I experience through times of tears and laughter.  I do get tired, frustrated and agitated.  It's difficult to deal with the issues of much less communication than what I have known for most of my life.  

In a recent devotional, I read:  If we're thankful that God has given us the ability to extend care, we'll be more content.  If we think about how we're being used by God to touch the life of another person, we will be grateful.  If we consider how God is helping us, then we will find the strength to carry on when things get tough.

I changed the word IF to WHEN.

A dear friend suggested that I go to visit my mother suspecting the worse.  Then when there are no negative issues, I will be excited even more pleased!

Another person says, "this is just for a season".  And I say "this is a LONG season".  You know like when our favorite team NEVER wins a game.  We think the season will never end.

And yet it is for a season.  I am convinced that my mother will live until the needs of EVERY PERSON whose life needs to be reached by her love and care have been met.  And I suspect that someday I will say - it wasn't such a long season after all.

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciated the Shadows