Iva Lou - Grandma Moses???

     When we were growing up, we knew our mother enjoyed art.  She often told us about her days at Landon High School when her teacher was Memphis Wood,  who would later be known as Jacksonville's "First Lady of Art".  She was thrilled when she learned that there is a special garden at the Mandarin Presbyterian Church that honors Ms. Wood and when I started to work at the Mandarin Museum, she enjoyed the Memphis Wood art she saw there.

     When our children were growing up she took some classes in oils.  We thought she did a pretty good job and all these years later, I love to go into a friend or family member's home and see one of the pieces that she did.

     After daddy passed, she saw a notice in her church bulletin about some art classes  That's when she began to draw.


 

    When it was time for her to move to an Assisted Living Facility, she asked for a coloring book.  One year she gave each of her children one of the books she completed  Now we have a reminder of the peace that she felt when she was coloring as well as the joy she felt when she gave something she had drawn or colored as a gift.
   This card hangs on my refrigerator.  It's a thank you for something I had done. (That would be another thing my mother is famous for).

      A few days ago, my brother in law, Robert Williams, suggested that we take her colored pencils and a couple of coloring books to the Activities Room at Westminster Woods on Julington Creek.  At first, that didn't seem to phase her.  I sat with her and colored a bird.  I wanted her to color a flower.  No response.

Our family loves this photo!

     AND then one day, I put a colored pencil in her hand and she started to color.  She completed a leaf.  I realized that she had asked me a question - "do you want me to color that?"

     We don't know if she'll ever want to color again but it is a great reminder to us of something she loved.

     We also never know who we'll find when we visit her.  This is so very difficult.  But again the faith that she and daddy instilled in us as children is the foundation that keeps us trusting.

     We don't know what the future holds...but we do know and appreciate who holds it.  And we thank our family and friends for your continued love, prayer, and support.  She would send you a thank you note if she could!

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadows

They would say "thank you"

We have been in the process of going through some more of our mother's things.

I stumbled upon a box of note cards.  They included drawings that our mother did between 2011 and 2015 when she finally switched from being creative to coloring. Mother has been a note writer for as long as any of us can remember.  And many of our family members and friends have been the recipient of some of her sweet words of encouragement.

The timing of my discovery was perfect.

I have recently finished Love, Loss and Dementia by Lauren Austine and Holly Gershbein, two childhood friends who grew up to share the experience of their mothers suffering from dementia. The book has been so helpful.

Holly included some words entitled "If my mother could talk with me".  She says that she thinks her mother would say she had loved her from the day she was born; that her mother had a wonderful life because she was in it and that her mother thanked her for being her best friend and advocate."

On a personal note as I began to separate the note cards and put them with envelopes to use in the future I realized that I actually had taken her drawings and created those note cards.  It was really good for me to be reminded of something I did for my mother.

At this point, it is very difficult to find ways to help her.  She recognizes us but something that's a little different - she never asks for anything (I mean that with respect -we all now appreciate the fact that she always needed just one more "little thing" - and that daddy had always been able to do it -something we never quite succeeded at).

And then as if my mother were sitting at my dining room table I heard her repeat a story from her childhood.

Her great-grandma, Annie Rebecca Gamble lived with them when she was small.  Grandma Gamble loved flowers and when she watered them she always said: "Can't you just hear those flowers - they are saying thank you for the drink of water."

And then I "heard" mother say "And I thank you for all you do for me."

Somehow  - although my mother cannot take care of herself - she sent me a message that helps me take care of me!

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadows

Does your mother like it?

Sunday, August 4 - I went to visit my mother in the Skilled Nursing Center at Westminster Woods.  She was asleep.  My attempts to waken her were not successful  I ran my fingers through her pretty silver har and kissed her on the cheek.  I took a deep breath and walked out of the door.

I had time before I was due to be at church so I stopped for a moment at the fountain.  I sat on a bench and listened as the water moved - splashing gently.

And somehow this question - that has been posed to me many times - was at the forefront of my thoughts:

Does your mother like her new home?

Truth be told - I don't have a clue.  The four weeks that she has spent there have continued to be times of confusion for her.

And yet - Truth be told

She loves it!

And how can I say that with such bold assurance?

We know our mother.

She loves her family.

If she could tell us, mother would say she is delighted to be close to three of her children, on the same property as one of her sisters and not too far from some of her grandchildren.   We have no doubt but that we are her favorite people.

Our mother loves beauty.  Westminster Woods is beautiful.

She often said she'd like to live there.  She thought it wasn't possible.  When we first took her to the Terrace, we told her that we hoped that was just a stopover.  By the time it became a reality her mind had began to fail and even then we were not sure she fully understood that we were moving her.

And probably the most important thing we know

Our mother trusts in the Lord.

If she could, we think she would tell us that all is well.    She has often repeated "Not my will but yours dear Lord - this is what my prayer will be."

The four of us and our families believe that the Lord made a way for her to be in a beautiful setting.  Now, her room is just a room.  There is no reason to glorify that part.  She has a roommate.  CNA's care for her.  Sometimes she is in a wheelchair in a room with others who are like her.  She sleeps a lot.  When she is awake she looks at us like she knows us but is just not sure how.  

I went back to see my mother around 4:30 that afternoon  She still slept  This time she tried to wake up but just couldn't.  When I left I said "I love you" and she said "I love you" back.

Again I walked by the pretty fountain.  And I thought of another reason my mother likes it.  

We like it.  

That's the kind of mother, Iva Louise Nesmith Huffingam has always been - if we liked something or someone - that's all she needed!  

We are blessed!

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadows

Strong Sibling Support System

This is my mother's

Beth, Caroly, Ann and Iva

This is mine

Paula, Lester, Cindy and Jonatha

This is my children's

Becca, Tray and Renee 

Three generations all share something in common.  It's a title I dreamed up when my children were teenagers.  All of us have a strong sibling support system.

For years I have seen my aunts rally to each other's side when there was a need.  Recently I have become very aware of aunt Ann as she goes to see my mother almost every day.  When aunt Thelma was soon to pass, the four Florida sisters got on an airplane and went to be with her and her family. aunt Ann, aunt Carolyn, and my mother came back to Jacksonville before Aunt Thelma died.  Aunt Beth stayed.  And I'll always remember that Aunt Ann was with my mother shortly after they had heard the news of their sister's death.

Just prior to our losing daddy, Lester wrote to us that he was looking forward to sharing the grief we were about to experience.  At the funeral - all of us were physically touching each other!  Through our mother's aging, we are of one voice.  I do not have to be at all concerned that a decision that is made is just mine - or any of ours.  Each of us has the love and respect for each other that is necessary at a time like this.

And my children - when one of them is doing something big or has a need of our love, support and prayer, we all get a text.  They probably also text and don't include me.  I have always said that they can be miles apart but you let something happen and they are all together.  

All of the above is why I chose to do this at a recent girls night out at Board and Brush.

As to my children, I should add a disclaimer. I really don't like the fact that we have grown in different directions.  I miss being the captain of the team known as Parker.  They grew up to be what I hope they would - strong, independent, capable adults.  They love and serve Christ, their mates, and their children.  I am very proud of them.

I can tell you, however, that just as my aunts rally to help our mother and my siblings and I are co-workers in our mother's care, my children rise to the occasion when their mother has a need and I appreciate that so much.

Our roots really do keep us all together. 

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadows

You're never fully dressed...

...Without a smile.

Except I've been having some trouble finding mine recently.  Now if you know me very well you know that I smile a lot and more than that I laugh a lot.

When I saw my dear friend, Keith Holland, recently I noticed that something didn't seem quite right with him.  I told him his eyes looked like my heart felt. He later told me a couple of sad things that had happened to him.

Watching my mother come to the end of her life on earth; fully understanding that she has a better life ahead because of the faith she has in Jesus Christ - has caused an empty feeling in my spirit.

I have said - we are losing her more mentally but she is fairly strong physically.  She is, after all 96 years and 4 months old.  She is fine spiritually - and we lost her emotionally some time ago.

An interesting part of our lives these days is that when we visit her all she seems to do is smile.

I'm sorry that she is missing a tooth and sometimes she has said that she knows Keith can fix it.  That doesn't seem like a viable option at this time.  However - this picture of them is one memory that makes me smile.  Although it's quite a serious conversation - they usually make each other smile! 

I heard she was happy to see a former Sunday school teacher and even asked about his wife.

A photo of a visit from her sisters Ann and Carolyn and her niece Ellie and Ellie's children Scott and Lucy showed her smiling.

When I go to visit her I am always hopeful that she will be happy to see me.  She was better at that on Friday.  She even asked me if I could spend the night.  Sometimes she makes me laugh.

I've remembered various songs "Smile when your heart is breaking"; "Give the World a Smile";  and after an hour of Googling:

 "Smile a while and give your face a rest;

  Raise your hand to the one who loves you best; 

 Then shake hands with one nearby; 

  Greet him with a smile".

If I close my eyes and think on these words I can almost hear my mother singing that song to us.

When we were sad, or nervous or something wasn't going our way - she always thought that if we just smiled, we would feel better. which I am telling you makes the fact that I don't feel very SMILEY Face these days - makes me feel even worse.

Does she know I am sad?  Who knows?

And what am I to do about this?  I cannot change the fact that our mother's time on earth is dwindling    The Days of Her Life are coming to an end.  It is most likely not tomorrow, but surely closer than we will be ready for.

I recently read a scripture verse that is helping me  It's from The Message:  Psalm 34:8

"Look at Him who gives you your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from Him"

HUM - God knows what's in my heart and you know what I think He understands that I am sad.

SO I'm going to keep smiling - even when I don't really have a smile to share!

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadows

This is blog worthy. . .

"I became a journalist because I wanted to tell people's stories".

I wish I could tell you who said that.  I heard it on Sports Radio as I rode home from the airport with my son.  I had just enjoyed a great trip and visit with my Mercer-Nesmith cousins. The trip itself had offered me many experiences that I kept saying were "blog-worthy".

Is being a journalist the same as writing a blog?  Well, sort of.

My mother always told me I should write about others instead of myself.  Typical mothering!

Thank goodness blogging came into vogue.  I can write about someone else.  I have even been published under the genre.  But it's good I can blog.  I have so many stories to share!

So here's what I believe to be "blog-worthy".

John Wakeman; Rick Weitzel, Carol Wakeman; Wally Wakeman, Ester Wakeman; Paula Huffingham; Rudy Nesmith

Seven of the 18 children who called Ellie and Pauline Nesmith Granddaddy (or grandpa) and        Grandma were together to honor the memory of Al Wakeman - husband of our Aunt Thelma (second daughter of five and third child after Rudolph and my mother).

What a treat it was for me to visit with some of my cousins and meet their children.  I chatted with Sophia, the recent high school graduate daughter of John Wakeman,  She made me think of my eldest granddaughter, Abbie.  I had already noticed how "alike" my cousins, Rick Weitzel and Rudy Nesmith, looked in a photograph and when I saw them in person I could see so many of the characteristics I loved in my Granddaddy Nesmith.

The trip up to Michigan had afforded me the opportunity to ride through Georgia and remember my asking my grandmother if Cordele was like it was when she was a little girl.  I forgot the fact that she moved from there when she was two - that would have been in 1903 and I had asked her in 1964.

The drive through Tennessee was also quite memorable.  All of my children were born in Chattanooga.  I taught school in McMinn County.  I had to cross the Tennessee River by ferry to do that when I was a young bride.  We spent the night in Athens, the county seat of McMinn.  While being on I75 didn't afford me the opportunity to see any of those places close up, I did so enjoy the beauty of the mountains!

My cousins, Rick and Cheryl, have a sailboat and I had told a couple of people that I hoped to have the opportunity to sail with them. You can imagine my thrill when Rick told me that Cheryl thought I might enjoy some time on the water.

Then when it was time to come home, I, who had not flown since 2005, was astonished at what I could do re the flight on my cell phone.  I would have been lost without Cheryl's assistance and now I am ready to plan my next adventure.

So do I blog or journal?

Three years ago I finally got into the habit of Journaling.  My friend, Virginia, gave me Rate your Day in July 2016,  There are three separations on each page - I started in 2016 and the last entry was this past week.  I cannot tell you the number of times I've looked back over my words and laughed or sighed or teared up a bit.  I can tell you that there are many answered prayers and suggestions that worked (or didn't)  since I started.

Well, I do both.  And both are helpful to me and I hope to those who read my words.  For me journaling, blogging, just jotting down a note or two - all of this is therapeutic.  Kinda like enjoying a lake on a sailboat!

If you aren't writing - you should start.  As my mother would say - It will help you and make you feel better too!

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadows

Said no one ever. . .

I walk into a long-term nursing facility at least 5 times each week.

The scenario never changes.

People sit in wheelchairs and smile - or try to - when I smile first.  There are sounds of angst; smells, and signs of bewilderment and I make my way through the halls.

I reach my mother's room.  Sometimes her roommate sits in a wheelchair, quietly coloring,

"I love you," she says trying desperately to be understood,

The room is small and feels so much smaller as I open the chifforobe to add anything I've brought from home.  I used to do the laundry but now the facility does it.  I did it often.  That's something inbred in me.  My mother hates dirty clothes and trash in a waste can.

Sometimes my mother is not in the room.  It has become necessary for her to be wheeled to the nurses' station.  That's okay.  She always wanted to be a nurse and she keeps asking for a task. 

She still knows me - and my siblings and her sisters.  Sometimes she gets us a little confused.

This is early in our time at the Terrace.  We have just begun our third month,  I chatted with a woman recently who told me her mother - who was sleeping as we sat in the lobby of the facility - has been there for a year.

"I hate it", she said.

"Yep", I replied

I wanted my mother's life to go to the next stage - in eternity with Jesus - from a beautiful surrounding, the kind she has always been a part of.  A lovely home and Iva Lou have always been synonymous.  I didn't get what I wanted.

When Rich Suhey was suddenly taken more than twenty years ago, I thought I was being so strong and maybe spiritual when I said: "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed".  One day I read a definition of disappointment - "not getting what one wants".

That's true.  I didn't get what I wanted.  I wanted a life with Rich Suhey and opportunities to experience all the dreams we shared.

So how am I handling this disappointment - this "not getting what I wanted" because my mother is in "a nursing HOME"?  Oh, help.  I hate it.

And what does no one ever say?  I love visiting my loved one in a nursing facility

And how does one deal with it?  Accept what I can't change; Change what I can - and pray for wisdom in the process.

For several weeks I've felt overcome with grief and sadness.  I had this ache in my chest.  I could not seem to find my smile.  I know I cannot change the fact that my mother needs more care!  When I am feeling so burdened, I can take a walk; talk with a friend, listen to music.  And as far as having the wisdom - I just have to trust!

For us, three months have been an eternity.  But I know that someday - no matter how long my mother must be in this place - it will seem shorter.  MUCH shorter because her eternity with Jesus will be FOREVER! She has faith and so do I

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadows