Said no one ever. . .

I walk into a long-term nursing facility at least 5 times each week.

The scenario never changes.

People sit in wheelchairs and smile - or try to - when I smile first.  There are sounds of angst; smells, and signs of bewilderment and I make my way through the halls.

I reach my mother's room.  Sometimes her roommate sits in a wheelchair, quietly coloring,

"I love you," she says trying desperately to be understood,

The room is small and feels so much smaller as I open the chifforobe to add anything I've brought from home.  I used to do the laundry but now the facility does it.  I did it often.  That's something inbred in me.  My mother hates dirty clothes and trash in a waste can.

Sometimes my mother is not in the room.  It has become necessary for her to be wheeled to the nurses' station.  That's okay.  She always wanted to be a nurse and she keeps asking for a task. 

She still knows me - and my siblings and her sisters.  Sometimes she gets us a little confused.

This is early in our time at the Terrace.  We have just begun our third month,  I chatted with a woman recently who told me her mother - who was sleeping as we sat in the lobby of the facility - has been there for a year.

"I hate it", she said.

"Yep", I replied

I wanted my mother's life to go to the next stage - in eternity with Jesus - from a beautiful surrounding, the kind she has always been a part of.  A lovely home and Iva Lou have always been synonymous.  I didn't get what I wanted.

When Rich Suhey was suddenly taken more than twenty years ago, I thought I was being so strong and maybe spiritual when I said: "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed".  One day I read a definition of disappointment - "not getting what one wants".

That's true.  I didn't get what I wanted.  I wanted a life with Rich Suhey and opportunities to experience all the dreams we shared.

So how am I handling this disappointment - this "not getting what I wanted" because my mother is in "a nursing HOME"?  Oh, help.  I hate it.

And what does no one ever say?  I love visiting my loved one in a nursing facility

And how does one deal with it?  Accept what I can't change; Change what I can - and pray for wisdom in the process.

For several weeks I've felt overcome with grief and sadness.  I had this ache in my chest.  I could not seem to find my smile.  I know I cannot change the fact that my mother needs more care!  When I am feeling so burdened, I can take a walk; talk with a friend, listen to music.  And as far as having the wisdom - I just have to trust!

For us, three months have been an eternity.  But I know that someday - no matter how long my mother must be in this place - it will seem shorter.  MUCH shorter because her eternity with Jesus will be FOREVER! She has faith and so do I

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadows