Roller Coasters

I never liked roller coasters.  

However, more than 50 years ago I really enjoyed a  log flume ride.  We were at a Huffingham family outing at Six Flags Over Georgia.  I was quite surprised that I liked it.  

So surprised that I decided to ride the roller coaster at Lake Winnepesukah in North Georgia later that summer.  It wasn't near as much fun.

Fast forward - November 1982 - My children and I were just a few months into life as a single-parent family.  My dad suggested that a great way to celebrate Renee's 8th  and Becca's 11th birthdays would be a weekend trip to Disney World.  I was diligently endeavoring to ensure that my children were having a good life.  And daddy encouraged us to go on Space Mountain.

 I decided to be brave. 

That's my last experience with a roller coaster.   I asked my children how they feel about roller coasters - almost forty years later.     Becca is ambivalent; Renee still hates them; Tray remembers that he hated that experience but admits that he now finds them lots of fun.

And all these roller coaster memories are making me think of what our family is currently experiencing   - some sort of a roller coaster-like experience with our mother. 

For the most part, she lies still, sometimes sleeping, sometimes with her eyes just gazing into the wherever.  She takes a small bite of whatever food is offered.  She sips some water.  She knows us - at least she seems to.

Sometimes her eyes are piercing.  I can imagine that she is saying "It's your fault that I am here in this bed".  Well, yeah it is.  And truth be told that's part of my angst.  

No Paula it's not your fault.  She has been declining.  She is 99 years old.  Her body is giving out. And besides that - this is a joint decision - you didn't make it without your siblings.  

I found her Five Wishes this week.  "Let me die a normal death".

Thank you, Lord.  This is what our mother wants.

And why does it feel like a roller coaster???  Because sometimes it almost seems like she could get out of that bed.  Her heart and lungs are still working.

How long does it take a person to die?  I ask.  This is too hard.  I'm too tired.  I'm not sure about my siblings but I can tell you I am really at a point. . . 

And so I reach out to a dear friend and complain about the roller coaster ride and this is her response

Remember Who is in control of that roller coaster.

 And then I look for an answer in Scripture.  That's what our mother would suggest anyway. 

If there's one thing she taught me.. .   As a little girl, I asked her if everything she said was in her Bible.

I google "scriptures about waiting".

Lamentations 3:25-26 "The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord". 

Who wants to wait?  Who wants to be quiet?

I learned that I don't like to ride a roller coaster so I've never even dreamed to get on one. It's my choice

This experience with our mother is not really my choice - except - I do understand that it is my choice to wait.

Today is the one-year anniversary of my children's father's passing.  As I reflected on that this morning, I remembered his favorite scripture:

 "Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.  They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint" (Isaiah 40:31).

Good to remember that it’s important to wait – and to know that the Lord is going to renew my strength! 

I'm still not going to get on a roller coaster.