about being 75

From about June 8 through July 5 I kept saying

"75 years ago, my mother was waiting for me to be born - and now I am waiting for her to die".

Today is my 75th birthday. 

It is my first without her.  I hope she and daddy - and maybe Rich - are celebrating my birthday in Heaven.

On mother's 75th birthday, Rich said to her:

"I hope Paula will look as good as you do when she is 75".

(The photo is, of course, with daddy - I think Rich hoped I'd look at him that way as well!) 

When I was giving her permission to die on Tuesday, I asked her to tell him that I think I look okay.

I do feel very fortunate.  My Grandma Nesmith was 36 when she lost her mother.  My mother was 48 when Grandma Nesmith died.    

It is also very significant to me that it was 40 years ago this month when my children who were 4, 7, and 10 and I arrived on my parents' doorstep.  We were not usually with my family on one of my birthdays.  However - on July 11, 1982, my mother made a big deal over the fact that it was my birthday.  And for the next 38 years - she always wanted to be sure something was happening so that I was celebrated.

The throes of the Pandemic had a major effect on my mother.  The people person part of her was restricted. She lost part of who she was.

Last year Cindy and I went to see her a couple of days after my 74th birthday.  I took her a cupcake.  I told her it was my birthday, but she needed to be celebrated.  I'm not sure she comprehended it.  The 12 months since that day have been tenuous at best. Sometimes clear - others not so much.

The last month as we knew it was time - and watched and waited - was difficult.  'Can't be sugar-coated!

I do hope that today - she and daddy are celebrating - not just their firstborn’s 75th birthday - but the fact that she is happy, content, and plans to have a great day - with thanksgiving for her birth and her parents and the love and guidance they gave her.  Some of which will help her get through this strange time of having a birthday without her mother here to help her celebrate!

 And I hope at 99 I look as good as she did on May 6, 2022. 

May your life have enough sunshine     To make you appreciate the shadows