A shadow can't hurt you...

I have always loved Robert Louis Stevenson's "My Shadow", which is in A Child's Garden of Verses.

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, And what can be the use of it (sic) is more than I can see.

The name of the blog is Sunshine and Shadows and it's built around the idea that although life is filled with sunshine, there can be shadows.

I have had a lot of sunshine in my 65 years.  I've also had my share of shadows - probably not any more than most anyone.  However I think we can agree that when those shadows seem to overtake the sunshine it can feel pretty bad - even cold and surely dark.

Carl Jung believed that our shadows are a composite of all the shameful, nasty, negative aspects of our personalities.  I read that idea in Simple Abundance, A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, by Sarah Ban Breathnach, a book I read almost every day.  I can tell you that idea certainly does not give me any comfort and joy.

I tend to instead think of my life experiences that caused me disappointment, dismay, defeat and sometimes disgust as my shadows.  In other words - dreams that were shattered - from a failed marriage to the loss of the love of my life, from hopes and plans for a career change to difficult experiences in the lives of my children.

Sometimes my shadows make me fearful.  That shouldn't be.  It is only when we repress our fears, our doubts, our insecurities that they can help us.  I'm not sure where this idea came from but I have heard that admitting we have a problem is the first step in overcoming it.

Besides - who really ever heard of a shadow hurting anyone? 

Robert Louis Stevenson's poem goes on to say - He stays so close beside me, he’s a coward you can see.

So when my shadows start to creep up and cast doubt on my hopes, dreams and plans. . .I endeavor to meet them face on and know that indeed they are just shadows. 

'Doesn't always work. But at least I have a plan!

'

If...then

September 20, 1964

48 years have passed.  Friendships have blossomed into love and hearts have been broken.

My heart.

48 years.

You would think that when I see the date, September 20, that I would just see it as a normal day.  None of my children or grandchildren were born on this day; no wedding anniversaries or any other special events - so why do I still get just a little twinge in my chest when I see that date?

Because it was on September 20, 1964 that I first began to understand how it feels to have a broken heart.

David Winkles was my high school sweetheart.  It was the beginning of our senior year.  As you might imagine, I was dreaming Homecoming, Senior Prom, Graduation . . . and on September 20, David Winkles broke up with me.

I did not think I would survive.  I cried and cried and finally my mother sent me to talk to our pastor's wife, Othella Elliott who told me the same thing my mother had been saying.  God had a reason, God had a plan.  Everything was going to be all right.

Obviously Mrs. Elliot and my mother were right.  I went on to marry a preacher boy and become a mother.  That marriage did not survive, but the children that came from that marriage have given me such joy!  I married again.  That marriage lasted only a short time because of Rich Suhey's death, but the effect he had on my life remains as one of my greatest blessings. God had a reason; God had a plan.

And now there is another man and he is good and kind and his desire is to serve the same God I have loved and served since I was a young girl.  Does God have a plan?  I mean a long-term plan?

Only God knows that answer.

However - if David Winkles had not broken up with me 48 years ago...then I would have missed ... so much.

Yep.  God has a plan!

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future' ". Jeremiah 29:11

Red Gap before Sundown

I drove too fast.  I talked to fast.  I ate too fast.

You name it.

I did it too fast.

At least that's what my daddy thought.

"You don't have to make Red Gap before sundown."

I have no idea how many times I might have heard daddy say that.  I can tell you - it was a lot.

And on Wednesday, September 16, 2009, I had an opportunity to throw those words right back at him.

We knew the time was near for daddy's passing.  I think he knew, too.  At least it seems that way today as I remember that he kept asking me when I was going to work.  (I had said I didn't want to be here when daddy died - I was afraid I would not know what to do.  He knew that.  What he didn't know what that the Hospice nurse had given me some instructions and I was more comfortable with what I thought the situation might entail).

I did go to work and had been there only a short while when my cell phone rang.  The voice on the line was my son.  Tray came three times each day to turn his granddaddy so that he could breathe comfortably and would not develop any blisters on his body (I know those blisters have another name.  I just don't like it).

"Granddaddy's not doing so hot," Tray said. 

I hurried home and as I neared his bedside, I saw that he was taking deep and rapid breaths.

"Just take little breaths," I told him.

"You don't have to make Red Gap by sundown."

The Hospice nurse gave him something to help him relax, but I like to think he had already heeded my advice.

The breathing slowed down.  He began to have a very far away look in his eye.  He listened as his minister personalized the 23rd Psalm and then at around 5:00 in a manner that very much suited his calm and gentle spirit - he just sort of wafted out the window.

Sundown would be a couple hours off.  He wasn't on the way to Red Gap.  He was on his way to be with Jesus.  A few days before he had told Tray that he had heard about Heaven all of his life and he was curious to see what it was going to be like. 

Our family stood by his bed.  We believed his curiosity was about to be satisfied.  That might be good for him, but it made us all sad.

There have been three years of sundowns since that afternoon. 

Even though I know that no one lives forever (at least on this earth) and that my daddy had lived a good, rich and full life, I am still sad and I still miss him.  AND I still drive too fast, talk too fast, eat too fast.

And sometimes when I do I can almost hear my daddy - "you don't have to make Red Gap by sundown".

Lost and found

She was a small framed woman.  Her face and her body showed signs of aging. She pushed a cart through the Walmart parking lot slowly, her head turning from one side to the other. 

"What color is it?" I asked.

"Silver with a 'salt life' sticker on the back windshield.  I thought sure I parked on aisle 5," was her reply.

I could easily empathize.  More and more I leave my car, absolutely sure that I know exactly where I parked only to make my way back and find myself in the same predicament. 

"Where in the world did I park?"

Or where did I put my keys, or my cell phone, or my sun glasses?

My most common response to this problem is to whisper a little prayer.  It's something that was instilled in me as a child.  I might say something like "Lord, you know where what I have lost is - and I would appreciate it if you would lead me in that direction".  Not much depth in my prayer and yet I believe...and most of the time I'll find what I am looking for.

I served communion at a memorial service recently.  Although I was not late, I still dashed into the sacristy (the area where I would vest - don the white alb of a chalice bearer).  I tossed my keys on a counter.  It's what I always do.

The service ended.  I had been asked to toll the bell.  After the 76th dong, I hurried to get my keys and be off to the next project.

No keys.

The sacristy is a small area.  Nothing like a parking lot.  And yet I felt as bereft as I do when I can't find my car. 

The two altar guild ladies, Dandy and Carol,  helped me look.  Where in the world were those keys?

A couple of projects were waiting on me. I really needed to get back to work in my home office.

I knew the keys would show up at some time so I made arrangements for a ride home.  Fortunately I remembered the key pad entry that unlocked my car.  I waited patiently.

Dandy's husband, Ted appeared.

"In Dandy's handbag," he said with a grin.

I canceled the ride home, put the key in the ignition and headed home.

Once more something lost had been found.

And the lady in the parking lot? I told her I would take a ride through the aisles and if I saw it I would come back to tell her. I looked briefly but I did not return and I have felt a bit guilty since that afternoon.

What if my friends hadn't helped me find my keys?

What was the best part?

My friend, Sarah Singer, and I were enroute to Tallahassee.  Everyone knows that is a long and boring trip.  However, it was a trip we knew was necessary as we continue to plan the 170th Convention of the Episcopal Diocese of Florida which will be held at St. John's Episcopal Church in January.

We stopped for supper at the Texas Roadhouse Grill in Lake City.

We had already been a bit surprised.  The parking lot was filled. Our wait would be about 15 minutes. This was on a Wednesday night. Must be something special going on.   Our buzzer signaled it was time for us to be on the way to our table.

The server smiled as she reached into a window and retrieved a plate of hot rolls and cinnamon flavored butter and asked us a question.

"What was the best part of your last visit with us?"

"First time here," was our response.

We had chosen our entree and were chatting when a man appeared  holding a plate that held two ribs - each looking more like a slab of meat that just happened to have a little bone attached than a rib.  They were drenched in bbq sauce.

"Just a little extra treat for all of our first time guests", the man, whom we assumed to be the manager  said. 

The ribs were outstanding.  Our dinners arrived.  We almost wished we had ordered ribs rather than sticking with out diets and ordering salad with grilled chicken. 

Next time we would order the ribs.

As we continued to enjoy our dinner, more than one server stopped by to asked if everything was good etc.

Not only was it good; the service was incredible.

Who knew that in a little town like Lake City we would feel like we were at a Ritz Carlton?

And why do I reference the Ritz Carlton?  Because they are known for outstanding customer service.  I learned this last year when I was interviewing physicians and practice administrators for Florida's Pioneer Medical Society, A History of the Duval County Medical Society & Medicine in Northeast Florida.  A few years ago the staff at the Borland-Groover Clinic, Northeast Florida's 60 plus year-old gastroenterology clinic went for training - at the Rita Carlton headquarters.  My interview with Vicky King, the practice administrator, told me that the training at the Ritz had been one of the keys to the reputation that Borland-Groover enjoys.

My point in all of this?  Customer service is of utmost importance today's economy.  We've kind of gotten away from that.  When we need something we often talk with someone who speaks a different language and additionally we often hear - sorry we just can't "fix" that.

I'm not naive enough to think that our economy will afford us the opportunity to be treated royally at every juncture.  I am simple enough however to recognize it when it happens and to take an opportunity to share the goods when it does.

If you want a good meal and have time, go to the Texas Roadhouse Grill in Lake City; if you want a nice place to stay, save your money and go to a Ritz and if you need some gastroenterological assistance, my money is on Borland Groover.

It's all about the way they make you feel!

And I almost missed it

Years ago I heard an old time gospel preacher paint a beautiful word picture of a shelf that was laden down with presents.

He said some were wrapped in pretty ribbons, some still wrapped in plastic...some in huge dress boxes and others in boxes that encase a bracelet or a ring.

His point was that sometimes we are so busy asking God for something that we don't take the opportunity to check the shelf for the blessings that are already there.

This morning I debated about going to church - I know that's really not a debatable question.  I just was kind of in a funk and finally a little voice said - You might miss something if you don't go.So I went.

As I walked down the lane toward the sanctuary I saw my friends Randy and Allison.  They had been to the 8:00 service.

"You will love church," they told me.

And guess what?  They were right.

I had forgotten that Michele Perry, one of our missionaries who works in an orphanage in South Sudan, was our special guest.  She spoke with passion and shared the love she has for the 125 children who are a part of the ministry there, in an orphanage where there is no electricity nor running water.

One of my granddaughters recently read A Long Walk to Water so we've been made aware of the water shortage in the Sudan and it all became so real to me this morning as I listened to Michele. 

And because we have adopted children in our family, Michele's words about how adoption is one of the ways that the reality of God's love is expressed really rang true in my heart. I cannot began to tell you how I feel when I see those children and realize that they are loved, cared for - and they all know this is a part of God's plan for each of their lives!

It was great - and I almost missed it.

There's something else I almost missed today.  I don't know why I put off cleaning off my desk.  I like to clean and love to organize.  But for some reason, that's usually a task I avoid. However, I decided today is the time.

I've been inundated with political mail not to mention all the mail about supplemental insurance etc., and I've just sort of stacked those flyers and envelopes.  One by one they hit the trash can.  And  then there was an envelope with an unfamiliar return address  -

Hum -  I opened it.

"Oh my land."

There's a check inside - an insurance rebate.  And I almost missed it.  There are some things I've been meaning to do - make a donation, buy a camera, tuck some money away for the three family birthdays that are fast approaching.   And I have HONESTLY been thinking and praying about rearranging the budget - especially for the camera.

And to think I almost missed it.

When's the last time you checked your blessings shelf?

Friends and Fireworks on the Fourth

I am a strong proponent of the necessity of leaving home and becoming your own person and although I am guilty of complaining that I wish I hadn't I raised my children to be quite so independent - to where it seems that they no longer needed me,  I really think it's great that each one of them have acknowledged and accepted that fact that they are adults and they need to be responsible for their own actions.

It seems appropriate on this Independence Day for me to cheer for not only our nation's independence but for the strong spirit of independence that I have seen in my three children.

Could I have a drum roll please?

Now that I have given them a little pat on the back for the fact that they have all become exactly what I wanted them to become, let me say that I think some of the credit has to go to their circles of friends - and to some of mine!

Which seems to me to be what this Fourth of July happened to be about.

For the first time in several years I was with Renee and Wally for the Fourth of July. I have loved to be there at this time of the year and was really excited that I was going to be with them for the festivities that go on in Temple Terrace.

And I was happy to know I would see some of their friends.  Every time I come to visit them I see evidence of the strong friendships they have formed - friendships that have lasted many years  - like the one with Mary and Charles Shelnut who have been like another set of parents to Renee and Wally.  I enjoyed the Temple Terrace Fourth of July parade with them - and with  Cindy Keding who is a long time friend and later that day it was nice to see Jeff Kooper. He and Katherine have been Renee and Wally's dear friends for more that 15 years.

And newer friendships - On Tuesday night, Greg and Jamie Deese and Buck and Amy Buchanan had joined us for Bible Study and then Buck and Amy went with us for a late night run to Target to get Abbie some new tennis shoes and me a straw hat

 and then to Sonic where we sat for over an hour waiting to be served before we were finally able to enjoy our treat - me with ice cream running down the side of the cone and all over my hands.  Lots of laughter!  Then at the close of the day on the fourth, the Deeses and their darling little boy, Joshua, came for a cook-out before we enjoyed the Temple Terrace fireworks together. Lots of joy.

As the Blain girls have grown up, they have been blessed to have friends to love and encourage - and pray for them and with them.

Renee reminded me this week that God has always put a special person in Allie's life - and that is exactly what Buck Buchanan is to her.  He is like a teddy bear, quick witted, soft hearted - who seems convinced that God uses him best as he shares laughter with others.  He's a trip!

And then I was reminded of all the people that God had put into my children's lives when they were growing up - especially some of the friends I made through a Christian singles organization called Seekers (Matthew 6:33).  Again - lots of laughter, encouragement and prayer.

And a heart that is full of thanksgiving to God for what has happened in the lives of my children and grandchildren - who have done and are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing - becoming independent.