Tears??? You must be kidding

 I was frustrated, no I was perturbed.  Okay, truth be told, I was angry.

Now I have taken lots of steps - prayerful steps - to help with anger.

I was pretty proud of myself recently as I said to a friend, "it's been a long time since I was mad".

What was I upset about?  My Bellsouth email has been inoperable.  No matter what I tried - or asked the professionals to help with - including my awesome connection to Southern Bell - Bellsouth - AT& T brother-in-law, Robert - I just couldn't get it to work.

So I walked away from my laptop and decided to watch a recorded episode (note to my granddaughters - aren't you glad I didn't say I taped it?) of The Good Doctor.

It included the story of a woman who wanted to die and another who suffered a miscarriage.

The anger subsided.  That emotion was replaced with sorrow.

And I began to weep.

Guess what - I don't usually have tears.  People close to me have died.  I miss my Tampa daughter so much, but I can leave her without tears.  There's something about dry eye.  I am old enough for that!

Okay, I do have something to cry about.  My children's dad - who was my college sweetheart and the person I thought was the answer to my desire to become a pastor's wife - is now under Hospice care.

All of the memories of all the years came rushing into my heart -- and spilling down my cheeks. 

Earlier in the day, I had recounted some of the memories with a friend.  As one might expect, they are not just happy memories.  They are the shadows.

I said, "I just hate it that he's going to die."

"Paula, everyone is going to die sooner or later."

Yes, but. . .

I just never dreamed that it was going to have this effect on me. 

I've lost the love of my life (with all due respect to my first husband), my dad, a dear great-niece, my brother, but somehow this is different.

I know that Ray Parker knows he's going to be with Jesus - his parents, grandparents, even the little baby boy that we lost in 1973.  

And I  know that weeping is an acceptable form of grief.  But you know I just don't cry!  I'd rather laugh.

Losing someone we shared a life with is painful.  

I believe that my life today is one that is enriched with family, friends, and opportunities to put my faith into practice.  Those are the sunshine.

And somehow I feel that a part of me is passing and I'm sad.

One of my gifts is compassion when someone loses a loved one.  I always tell them it's okay to cry. 

I guess I'll need to be willing to take my own advice.  Besides as the old gospel song says, "Tears are a language that God understands."

May your life be filled with enough Sunshine 

to make you appreciate the Shadow