99 and counting

It is New Year's Eve, 2013

This is my 99th blog.

It is not my 99th column - remember I used to write for Jacksonville.com and I think I probably have about 250 in that genre.  Besides if you count all the things I wrote for various and sundry church newsletters, I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of writing.

However, this is the 99th Sunshine and Shadows.  Tomorrow I will post 100.  It will be about  - you guessed it - resolutions.

Today's is  more about what happened in 2013.

This is not my year in review.  You can see that by looking at my Facebook page.  It only glazes the surface of what happened to me in 2013 - lots of fun and happy times with family and friends - and probably the highlight of 2013 - my mother's 90th birthday.

If you had told me just one year ago as we started planning the celebration that she would be living in Texas by today, I would have thought you were trying to write the best piece of fantasy fiction imaginable. 

I became my parents caregivers when they left the retirement community in St. Augustine to come back home to Jacksonville.  At first it was more us looking after each other, but as the years passed my role as the caregiver had become "what I did".  They moved in with me in 2005.  I was good with part time work and accepted the income they offered for what I was doing.

By mid 2013 - my mother, who really doesn't like to admit she needs a caregiver - and I, who needed the income - were stuck.

My mother was itching for some new opportunity.  She told me that she really wants to "finish well".  Surely there were more opportunities for her to serve the Lord - somewhere.

And I needed a change

My mother knew it; my siblings and my close friends knew it.  In time, my children knew it.

It really was time.

I made a bold statement.  "I need to  trust God with my finances" 

And my brother, Jonathan, issued an invitation.  Would mother come and live with him and his wife, Tammie?

In Texas.

I remember when my sister, Cindy and her husband, Robert, announced their move to Pensacola and that daddy kept saying "Pensacola?" and when my friend, Woody, told me that he had gotten a job in Cuba that I kept saying "Cuba?".

Three weeks ago tonight I pushed her wheelchair down that long corridor at JIA and sent my mother to live with our brother.

In Texas!

A few weeks before that night when I was volunteering at the front desk at Community Hospice's Hadlow Center when a person came for an interview for a part time temporary job in Community Relations.  I was really nosy.  What did the position entail? HUM.  I could do that job.  Like some sort of bird, I swooped in for the kill and got the job.  I feel only "this much" guilt.

So now every morning I go to work at Hospice and every afternoon I work on the 171st annual convention of the Episcopal Diocese of Florida or I write for Beson4.  This is the first time in what will soon be 13 years that I have only had Paula to think about.  It is very different.

But it is very good and I am grateful. 

"You can be sure that God will  take care of everything you need. . .".   Philippians 4:19 (The Message)

Oh and guess what - you know my friend, Woody, who moved to Cuba?  He's back! And my sister now lives in Sanford - much closer than Pensacola.

It's all good

It was cookie making at grandma's house.  Five of my seven grandchildren gathered in my garage and with the help of their mothers, we rolled and cut Pillsbury "Slice and Bake" cookies, baked and decorated them.  It has become a family tradition.

In the meantime their daddies were rearranging my some of my furniture getting my house ready for what I keep calling my new normal.

I told my children how I feel like I am the heroine in one of the books I love to read.  Books by Dorothea Benton Frank, Karen Kingsbury, Jan Karon.

"It's so exciting", I told them.

And then they all left.

And here I was - by myself.

Oh my.

They are all grown up.

I thought back to our first Christmas as a single mom and three children and felt a tear run down my cheek.  How in the world did we ever survive?

And so I went to bed - sad.

I woke up sad.

I thought I cannot stay sad. I read the Upper Room, still sad;  I looked at Facebook, the newspaper; I made the bed and started to get ready to go to work. Still sad. 

Gotta get on top of this.  I reread the Upper Room, including the suggested Scripture.  At the top of the page were these words: Five Days of Hope by Max Lucado.

Hum I needed some hope. . . not something that is a normal need for me.

Without quoting the whole devotional, I can tell you Lucado told of meeting a young waitress who was very sad.  It was Christmas and her parents had just divorced for the second time.  He said he wished he had spoken words of encouragement to her.  He had not.  But he said that if he had told her what he should have said (that sounds like me) he would have told her that she was going to get through this rough time and he believed God will use this mess for good.  He cited the Biblical story of Joseph.

"In God's hands intended evil becomes eventual good".

Hum

When my first marriage ended in 1982, I was absolutely bereft.  I could not for the life of me see how any of that pain was ever going to be something good. 

However... as I think back over the 31 Christmases since then, I remember the time my children played Santa Claus and put my presents under the tree, a waffle iron, a train, a watch, some pretty sweaters . . ..the announcement of a new grandchild, the joy of three more grandchildren that came in one fell swoop and how I love to see any of them in a program at church or school - singing, dancing, playing the flute.

Let me be clear - I don't for one minute think that my children's father had intentions of evil.  I just think that what was supposed to be a marriage that lasted a lifetime got messed up because of evil.

And I'm pretty sure that if Rebecca, Renee and Tray were adding their thoughts to what I am writing they would all say --

"In God's hands intended evil becomes eventual good".

Thanks be to God -- and Merry Christmas!






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The candle of love

This Sunday we light the candle of love, the fourth in our recognition of the season of Advent. And actually that's what Christmas is really all about.   Without making this a "sermon", you already know that I really believe in the truths that are told in Scripture -- you know the part about God so loving the world, that He gave us His only son...etc.etc. etc.

However, on this last weekend before Christmas 2013, that candle of love represents the way I feel about my friends who have been incredibly loving and supportive to me at this time in my life.

From the lighting of Advent candles anticipating the celebration of the coming of Christ to the many aromas that fill my house when the scented candles are lit, candles represent warmth and love.

The day before Thanksgiving my friend, Doris, gave me a candle that has provided a sweet scent in my home for several weeks - the weeks that included getting my mother ready for her big move - and my beginning to adjust to whatever new normal I am about to enjoy.

"It has a strong scent", she said, "but it's a good one".

Everyday from that day to this, I have enjoyed the lovely combination of scents that emanate from that candle - smells that make me think of Christmas - spruce and citrus and warmth all wrapped up in one pretty piece of glassware.

Oops.  You can't smell warmth.

No, but you can be reminded of the warmth of a friend.

As I walked through a department store earlier this week I was drawn to an aisle where many candles were on display.

That's the gift for my friends, I thought.

Because over the past few weeks I have so much experienced the warmth of friendship. Not only has that candle provided a sweet aroma - my friends have provided warmth and encouragement - that have helped to light my way. Of course, I had to see if I could find a scripture reference to this thought and I found a great verse in Proverbs -

"Just as lotions and fragrance give delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul" (Proverbs 27:9 - The Message).

At this point, five days before Christmas, that particular candle is almost gone.

But wait.
Last night I got a present from a new friend.  And guess what?  It's a candle.  One that when lit fills my home with cinnamon and spice and everything nice.

And when the holidays are behind us and the Christmas candles once more take their place in storage, the sweet fragrance of the friendship (and love)  that they've reminded me of this season...

. . .will remain.




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Organized confusion

I often say that organized confusion is my favorite state in which to be.

That's not exactly true.

I should say that as long as I am in control of it ... then I'm okay with it.

For weeks I have helped plan my mother's move to Texas.  The doctor's appointments were taken care of, the meds ordered, she saw all of her friends.  The plane ticket was purchased and several boxes of her things were already delivered to my brother, Jonathan's home in Weatherford.

And my mother is clearly ready to go.
  
Everything was great.

And then an ice storm.

So now we are in the waiting stage.  My mother is living out of her suitcase.  And hour by hour we wait...

I know there's a reason.  I know it's going to be fine.  It's just that I worked so hard to make it happen smoothly.

Do you think I just might have some control issues here?

And really - has it mattered?  No.  I did what I had planned to do yesterday and am on track to do the same today. 

And in the meantime - here's a photo of how my life feels at this moment.

 

If you look closely to what I call my "undecorations", you will see that the second candle of the Advent Wreathe has been lit.

That's the candle of peace.

And I feel fortunate that I have no doubt but that there is peace - in my heart, in spite of the plans that have been interrupted by a storm.  I love that saying "Sometimes God calms the storm -and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child."

As think on the candle of peace - I think of the verse in Philippians - words that are often used in benediction - and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus (Phillipians 4:7). 

Or has the Message translates it:  Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

After all - it's just a little ice storm!

Hope will shine on

Hope is one of my favorite words.  And on the first Sunday of Advent, 2013, We light the candle of hope.

Bob Moore is the director of music ministries at the Episcopal Church of Our Saviour.  He has written Christ is the Day a  new choral work that celebrates the images and themes of Advent.  Our choir has been practicing this for many weeks and we look forward to presenting it on Tuesday, December 3rd at 7:00 PM.  The finale includes these words (written by Richard Leach)

"Hope is a candle once lit by the prophets -  Never consumed though it burns through the years  Dim in the daylight of power and privilege -  When they are gone hope will shine on...". 
 

My first actual printed newspaper story was when I wrote about a mother who has MS for the Hope Fund a joint venture of what was then Volunteer Jacksonville (now Hands on Jacksonville) UNF and the Florida Times Union.  That was a special feeling for me - seeing my name in print - and on the front page. 

When granddaughter #3, Allie Blain, was diagnosed with Idiopathic Thrombocytopenia Purpura (ITP) a life-altering illness that prevents the production of platelets in her blood, my daughter, Renee and her husband Wally Blain created a foundation called Clouds of Hope that was intended to help families in similar situations.  Allie has now been an ITP survivor for 7 years.   In my mind, she's the poster child for "never giving up hope".

And one thing I learned from my Granddaddy Nesmith was the importance of I Peter 3:15.  It says "Be ready always to give a reason for the hope that is within you".  I like the way the Message says it:

"Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you’re living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy."

If you know me – you know that my faith, my family and my friends are of utmost importance.

You know that my faith has carried me through many years of adventure (some have been so wonderful and some I would just as soon forget). 

You also know that I am a communicator.

And I use whatever venue at hand as a means to share something I believe it.

So I am happy to use this blog (and my Facebook page) as an opportunity to share my faith.

I'm speaking up – and I'm telling you (hopefully with a sweet spirit) that I really do believe – in the Christ whose birth we celebrate.

Don't mean to sound trite – but yes – the hope that is within me – is that fact that Jesus is the Reason for this Season.

There's a verse in Colossians 1 that says that Christ is our hope -- and when all else has passed away - "hope will shine on".