Not human "doings"

 This is how my life looks these days.

Truth be told, it has not been an easy change for me.

I've spent three or four days recently trying to figure out why I felt uneasy.   

Yes, there's one big issue that looms over me.  My mother is almost 99 years old.  Life is not the same.  In many ways, I grieve her loss even though she is still alive.  The  Pandemic took its toll on her...and on me, since I've been her main visitor...and she's always been so much a people person.  

I've had to learn that I cannot be consumed with her.  That's not been easy.

Other than that.  My children are well.  One grandchild is having an experience that makes her grandmother a bit jealous.  She's student teaching in Vienna. That's the one place I'd love to visit.

I have a part-time job that I enjoy.  I have dear friends who I spend time with regularly.  My health is good.  What in the world is wrong with me? 

Back to my mother -- she's always been the one who helped me figure out what was wrong with me.  

One of her favorite Paula stories has always been of the day that I slammed the vacuum cleaner down in anger and sobs and she asked me "What in the world is wrong with you? "  My response  "You're the mother you are supposed to know".

I was sharing my current angst with my friend Deborah  

I said, "no one needs anything".  Her response: "Right.  For years there's been someone -- someplace that you were supposed to be helping".  

Then she said something that was profound.  She thought I had heard it before but it was new to me

"We are not called Human DOINGS.  We are called Human --- yes - BEINGS".

Hum

That made me respond with a Bible verse. . . 

"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)

. . . And remember a time more than 50 years ago when I had been having a similar experience -- I was a freshman in college -- and everything things seemed out of whack.  My boyfriend and I went to church -- and in the stillness of that service, I realized what I needed - 

I needed to BE STILL

And now I need to learn the very first word of that verse

I need to learn to BE!

May your life have enough sunshine

to make you  appreciate the shadows

PS I have found a couple of small opportunities to reach out to others but I'm endeavoring  - really endeavoring -- to just BE.