Looking back...looking forward

Sometimes we have to see where we have been so that we can see where we are going.

So ...here we are.  The last day of 2015.

I can tell you that this past year was not without sadness.  In January I lost a dear friend when John Gates died and in December I lost my life long friend, Bobby Drashin.  Two very different men and yet two who had made a difference in my life.  I also said goodbye to two consulting opportunities. 

But there were also good things - I've reconnected with several friends from my childhood, college years and the time I spent as a pastor's wife.  My mother got to experience a dream she has had for a long time when she moved to Assisted Living and I started a part time job at the Mandarin Museum.  It was there that I fell in love with squirrels.

I know what you are thinking. ..Paula has finally lost it.

Squirrels are a reminder to me that no matter what happens, "God's got this""

This is where I spend the first hour of each day:

Sometimes a bird, sometimes a squirrel, always a lizard (or two), looking for food or just watching me...

I recently overheard a conversation - "I haven't had an actual pay check in four months", one person said.

"I would be a nervous wreck" was the reply.

"And what about the lilies of the field and the birds of the air?"

It sounded just like something I might have said..  I'm often prone to give a quick answer like that and then lay awake at night wondering...and truth be told...worrying.

I was thinking about 2016 and what lies ahead and worrying. I remembered a verse from my childhood: "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you" (Matthew 6:33).  I might have memorized it but I don't think I knew what it meant.

As I thought about all of this - I checked out some other translations of those words and I found:
 
If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. (Matthew 6:30-33    The Message)

Which brings me back to the lizards, the birds and that cute little squirrel that climbs on my screen.  They are creatures, God's creatures true, but in my mind - they are just creatures.  They don't have a soul.  And yet who am I to judge? They seem to have a lovely time, scurrying up and down the trees, running along the window sill or sometimes standing up on the screen and staring at me.

Those little creatures remind me of this little guy from my youth:

So here's my new year's resolution -

I'm going to make an effort not to be so preoccupied with getting that I miss God's giving!

A page from their Play Book

It is Christmas Eve, 2015. 

Like the rest of you, I am remembering many Christmases Past.

Ah yes - memories... We all have them...some are good and of course some are not.

It was our first Christmas in Jacksonville.  In many ways that should have been my worst Christmas and to be honest I can tell you - it was pretty bad.

On Christmas Eve afternoon, life long friends, Bill and Anna Jean Kindred came to the side door of my parents' home.  They were Sunday School teachers at Glendale Community Church where we were worshipping at that time. 

It seems that Renee and Tray (who were 8 and 5) had shared a prayer request.  They both wanted bicycles.

And so it was that on Christmas morning, 1982, Santa Claus left two used bikes - one for each of them.  They were in great condition.

Now to my youngest children - this has never seemed the least bit strange.  Along with their older sister, they just believe if you need or want something you just ask.

Their mother needs to  take a page from their play book - or with all due respect = their "PRAYER BOOK".

Lumps of coal

If indeed Santa Claus has made a list to see who's naughty and nice, I'm afraid I'm due a Christmas Stocking filled with coal.

Now if you think I'm about to admit to some juicy bit of gossip then you may as well just wait for Downton Abbey.  I can assure you my adventures warrant no interest in juiciness.

HOWEVER, I have been feeling very jealous - and if I sat upon Santa's knee I think he would suspect my bad attitude.

You see it seems that all my friends live in prettier houses, have nicer clothes, their Christmas trees hover over many presents for the children and grandchildren...their lives seem so much more exciting.

I was really feeling all of the above when I went to church this week.  I don't think you would say I was having a pity party because most of the time I am pretty good with who I am and how my life has "turned out".  But sometimes...my life just seems . . .well. .  small.

And not just because I am so short.

And then I listened to the Scripture readings for the day:

Micah 5:2 says that Bethlehem is one of the "little clans" of Judah and yet it was in Bethlehem that the son of God would be born. 

And although we don't know of Mary's stature we do know that she was more than likely "small in spirit" because we know she was very humble.

Luke 1 tells us that Mary's reaction to the news that she was going to be the mother of our Savior was that she magnified the Lord.  That means (according to the Rev. Joe Gibbes' homily) that she was showing just how big God is.  Ftr. Joe drew an analogy of the way a magnifying glass enlarges what we can see.

Talk about hitting me right where I live.  Hum.  None of "what I don't have" matters.  And it didn't take a visit to Santa to know that.  It's my heart that counts.  It's being willing to share my small house; a cup of tea with a friend, and most of all my faith.

“My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior. . ." Luke 1:47b; 48a

The sunshine in the shadows

December 17 and 18 are very important days in the life of our family.

On December 17, 2009, my niece Leslie gave birth to her second child.  Her name - Blakelie Foster Beck. 

Leslie gave some serious thought to when Blakelie would be born.  Her granddaddy, Earl Huffingham, was born on December 18.  He had died in September of that year.

But Blakelie needed her own birthday.

For the next four years, four months and four days Blakelie was the essence of sunshine in our lives.  She was one of those people who lit up the room when she walked into it.

On April 21, 2014 I received this text --- "She is with Jesus".  I responded to my sister - what? And I got back - "she died".

My last blog was called Joy in the Journey and I shared the news of the sudden death of my childhood friend, Bobby Drashin.  I ended the blog with the fact that although I think it is necessary to find joy in all circumstances, I also think it is difficult.  As I have processed Bobby's passing, joined his family and friends to say goodbye and remembered that incredible smile, I realized that like Blakelie, Bobby could light up a room.

Later today I am joining in a celebration of  Blakelie's life.  We will eat cupcakes, light lanterns, release balloons.  I was actually grieving for my friend, when I realized I should participate in this activity.  I believe it will be healing for me.

And in a way I am celebrating Bobby's life and the life of our daddy - who would have turned 94 on December 18.  He could also light up a room.

I think the memory of the three of these people are something that gives me . ..sunshine in the shadows!

Joy in the Journey

"A reading from Philippians", I stood before a small group of worshippers on Sunday evening and began to read the Scripture appointed for the third Sunday of Advent - the day we lit the Candle of Joy.

My afternoon had been a bit futile.  Planner that I am, I had saved the afternoon to write. . .but no words came to my brain much less to my keyboard.  It was my week to serve communion at the rail and here I was.

"Rejoice in the Lord and again I say Rejoice in the Lord." I could hear my children  singing, 

O Rejoice in the LORD  He makes no mistake, 

He knoweth the end of each path that I take,
For when I am tried  And purified,  I shall come forth as gold."

 

Certainly not the time for an earworm.  Listen up, Paula.

 

"The apostle Paul was in prison when he wrote the words in today's Epistle", the Rev. Karen Booth began her sermon.  "He was encouraging us to find joy in the bad times".

I remembered that my mother always says "we rejoice in the Lord - not in the circumstances".

Earlier that day I had learned of the death of my childhood friend Bobby.   I don't know if he was my first boyfriend, but I do know that he was the first boy to give me flowers (that my mother watched him "steal" from our neighbor's yard).  

I was having a difficult time, putting my head around his death and knowing that today I will go to that same Jewish cemetery where I was with him when he buried his mother.  One of our childhood friends called me to say that once Bobby told her he would become a gentile if I would marry him.

If you knew how much Bobby valued his heritage you would understand that to be a BIG deal.  Of course if you know me you know that his becoming a gentile is not the issue.  And in case you are wondering we talked about that difference many times.

And I keep thinking of the fact that I kept meaning to see if we could meet for lunch and I never did.  I hadn't seen him in 18 months. Although I know he didn't "take care of himself", I didn't know he was ill.

Unlike another high school friend who I have only recently connected with on Facebook.  She is quite ill and it is this post that I planned to focus on - for the third Sunday of Advent:

". . .Just want all of you to know how thankful I am for your prayers. God is answering them! I feel the power of them, as many of you tell me you have prayed for us to have peace, strength, comfort, courage, hope, healing, joy in the journey, and grace when pain arises.

I planned to write about how important it is to find Joy in the journey.  I still think it is important - I just think it's difficult!