Second thoughts

A friend and I were talking about my current projects and the question was -

“When are you going to start that shadows and sunshine thing?"

And I replied "sunshine and shadows".  The sunshine is always there.  It should come first. The shadows come when something blocks the light.

When an object blocks the sunlight it’s not a big thing.  When something that is sad or causes sorrow takes away the sunshine in our lives, that’s a bit more difficult to swallow.  The important thing, I think is that the sunshine really is ALWAYS there.

We teach our children that they don’t need to fear their shadow, that the shadow won’t hurt them.  

And that’s true in life, the sunshine can overcome the darkness if we let it.  The trials in our lives don't kill us - they just block  -- light, warmth, productivity, joy, peace, etc. etc.  That’s easy for me to say.  I’m not in the middle of anything traumatic.  But I have been which is what this blog is about.  And I know that as my friend Jeanie reminded me this week we are not alone when that time comes.  She was referencing a song, “Standing somewhere in the shadows, you'll find Jesus”. 

In words I use very often – “the faith that was instilled in me as a child…got me through that dark place”; that’s the sunshine!


My friend responded that you can't appreciate the sunshine unless you have the experience of the shadow.  HUM.

I guess another title for this blog could be sunshine amidst the shadows.

Since I posted the first blog in this venture on Wednesday, April 26^th, I have been sad.  It took a while for me to unpack the reason for my sadness and then I remembered - I had written about trials, tragedy, heartache, sorrow.

The Reverend Ronnie Willerer, told me that when we start delving into experiences that brought us to where we are today, we are bound to experience some of those same emotions.  And that's exactly what happened.  I was angry because my first marriage failed, I was disappointed because my second husband died before we could really enjoy the life we thought was ahead of us and I was as frightened as I was when my son was a baby and we didn't know what his future would be like or as I was when one of my granddaughters was diagnosed with an immune system disorder and as perplexed as I have been when I didn't have a job.  And the strangest thing - somewhere in the back of my mind,  I kept thinking if only my daddy had not died he could fix this.

As I thought I wondered -  do I really want to put my thoughts about the darkness that has prevented the sunshine in my life on a screen for others to read?

I actually did more than think.  I prayed.  And I got this answer from a friend who has known me when I was experiencing some pretty heavy sadness -  “What you are doing is expressing life experiences with emphasis on the faithfulness of God in it all.”


Those experiences are shadows - no doubt about it.  And remembering them may well make me sad or grouchy.  Bless my mother's heart.  She'll get the brunt of "Paula's in a really bad mood" experience.  Fortunately she is of the persuasion that people should share their stories as a means of encouragement to others. It is her wish that I share the ways God has been faithful

So I'm going to continue.

And in the words of Joseph when his brothers were expressing remorse for what they had done to him, selling him as a slave when he was a young boy -- “ . . . but God meant it for good,” Genesis 50:17.

...and the shadows turn to light

Who knew?

Almost 50 years ago, my friends who were on the annual staff at Englewood High School found a quote that they thought described me.  They chose one that made me look very positive - said I met my trials with a smile which made the shadows turn to light.

I guess they saw me as a Pollyanna.  And I suppose they were right, although I doubt any of us knew what lay ahead of us. 

I certainly didn't.  I thought I would graduate from high school and then college, marry and have three children.  I thought we would live in a split level colonial house, that my husband would be a minister or a professor and that we would have a life sort of like the one I had grown up appreciating.

This was the mid sixties.  I had a penchant then for ministry.  However, girls didn't become ministers.  They taught, were missionaries or married - ministers.

Which is what I did.  Marry a "preacher boy", I mean.

They say a girl marries someone like her dad.  I did not.

The young man I married was nothing like my dad.  Nor was I like his mother.

Our marriage lasted 15 years.  We had three children, lived in three states and we really never totally were on the same page.  It's unfortunate.  Today we are friends and I appreciated the characteristics that my children exhibit, because he is their father.  Those children, however, are all quick to say "how did you and dad 'actually' get together?"

The shadows came early in that marriage because we were so different.  However, the faith that had been instilled in me as a child, was a major component in keeping me sane.  That same faith has continued to be a part of my life  - through a difficulty delivery and early days, months and years of my third child, divorce, 17 years as a single mother; remarriage only to lose my husband 8 months into the marriage when he did not survive cardiac arrest; struggles in the lives of my children, and now as the principle caregiver for my mother who is in her 90th year.

The sunshine is there as well.  Those three children - I have always called them my bundles of joy - have been a delight.  They have married and given me what I call my spice - two sons in law and a daughter in law that have brought me much joy  - especially because they have been the conduit that gave me seven precious grandchildren.

Through the years as my children were growing up, I took occasional college courses with the goal of completing my degree.  I finally graduated when I was 55 years old.  I could do that mainly because I was working for Vistakon, a Johnson & Johnson company and took advantage of their tuition reimbursement program.

When my parents moved in with me in 2005, I thought it would be for just a short time.  My father's health was rapidly deteriorating.  However, he improved and we had a wonderful time for more than four years before he passed away. His death will always be one of the shadowy days with many glimpses of sunshine.  My mother has remained with me.  We have good and bad times - again - sunshine and shadows.

After years of dreaming of being published, my first foray intro the world of being a published writer is becoming a reality.  I am a contributor to Pioneers in Medicine, the history of the Duval County Medical Society and Medicine in Northeast Florida, which is scheduled for print in early summer, 2012. 

The purpose of this blog is to share some of the shadows, but more of the sunshine in the hopes that my reader will be enlightened, encouraged, enriched.  I expect it to be devotional, meaning I intend to share that same faith that has remained a part of my life, again, in the hope that the reader will be able to take some of my words and find a way to see the sunshine in the shadows.