I didn't know I was saying goodbye.
On the third day of July 1982, I boarded a Jacksonville-bound airplane from Louisville International Airport. My children were visiting my parents. Their dad suggested that I come to Jacksonville to be with them and my extended family. He would arrange to meet us sometime in the next few weeks.
That didn't happen.
Years later, I told my brother, Lester, that I needed to return to Louisville. I said, "I didn't say goodbye." As it happened, Lester went with my parents to get my things after I knew I was not returning to that life. When I said I needed to go back, Lester was very kind.
"I said goodbye for you".
In the 42 years since then, I have often remembered when I was devastated that my life as a Pastor's wife was over. Note that I didn't say "wife." My identity was tied up in what I believed my "calling" had been.
As it happened two years ago, 40 years later, it was time once more for me to say goodbye/ This time, I knew/ I was not surprised.
I was watching as my 99-year-old mother, who had been the source of hope, strength, and love for me for my 75 years of life, was slipping away. She actually had now been sleeping on and off for several days. Our family sat with her and talked to her. I read the Bible to her. I recited the Lord's Prayer and was surprised as she mouthed some words with me.
The Hospice nurse told me that I needed to tell her that it was okay for her to go. I suggested that my son, Tray, would be a good person to do that. No, it had to be me. I was the principal caregiver. It was my responsibility.
At some point, I was alone with my mother in her room. I had a flashback.
My 75th birthday was a week away. So remembering that and the fact that Rich died just eight moths after our wedding, I said
"Mother, when you get to Heaven, after you see daddy - would you find Rich and tell him - I do look like you."
That was my goodbye.
I'm okay with the fact that I never said goodbye to Louisville. My life is full. My children are strong, their children are amazing, and although I am not a Pastor's wife, I have many opportunities to reach out and minister to others.
I'm also good with my goodbye to my mother.
The afternoon and evening of her passing will remain among the dearest of my life. My children and I told the Hospice nurse stories of their lives with their grandparents. The nurse was so well trained that she made us think we were telling her the best stories she had ever heard.
My daughter, Renee, leaned into her grandma's ear and told her it was time to go - she had lived a wonderful life and was leaving an unbelievable heritage. And with that, my mother took her last breath.
I think that day proved to me that although I didn't say goodbye to Lousivlle = my disappointment and sorrow that I lost the life I thought I was supposed to have -- was precisely as it was supposed to be.
I am truly grateful.
May you have enough sunshine in your life, to make you appreciate the shadows
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